A Break

 I am taking a little bloggy break.  I am not sure when I will be back.  I find blogging to be a chore lately and find that I have nothing I want to say.  So, until next time.  So long.

The Download

 I haven't downloaded photos from my camera since I went to Alaska a couple of years ago.  The technology confounds me sometimes.  I need to switch to a new laptop, which I am reluctant to do.  I have an old brain and these kinds of changes make my stomach hurt sometimes.

But I have baby pictures and pictures from the funeral that I really wanted to see, so I sat down on Sunday morning and played with it.  It wasn't as hard as I had anticipated. I got the 400 plus pictures downloaded onto this old laptop. Now my job is to share them.

These are my cousins who made it to the funeral.  My cousins and their children. This isn't all by any means, but it was a bunch. I love them all.  We are a good bunch.

Thankful Thursday

 I am thankful that I like to write.  If I couldn't write I think I would be so lonely and my feelings would be all bottled up inside.  I might be like a volcano, ready to erupt.

Slim Pickings

 I had considered taking this week off of blogging.  I feel out of ideas.  I feel spent.  This is the last full week of babysitting.  I have fears and regrets, but I am holding to the plan, tenuously holding to the plan.  I am one of those rare people who enjoys playing with young children.  This is especially true if they are related to me.  I enjoy being with babies.

I have concluded that not many people do.  It makes me feel sad for them.  There is so much one can learn about people and life and oneself from young children.  I have been gifted by their presence in my life.  I love them, those grandchildren of mine. I know who they are.

And with the delta variant making the rounds, it seems like a bad time to leave them.  Is daycare safe?  Probably not.  Will I have anything to do since I really can't go anywhere without catching the virus?  I was going to do some medical things and I guess that I will pursue some of them, but maybe not the knee replacement, not yet.

So, rolling around in my brain are very few ideas that are worth sharing. I feel spent.  I feel out of ideas.  Maybe tomorrow will bring more things that I wish to say.  Maybe.

Blogs of Yore

Life evolves.  Things change.  Once upon a time there were many many blogs out there.  That was before Facebook.  Blogs were a way to find people with similar interests.  Commenting on a blog was like commenting on a Facebook post is today.  Or maybe Instagram, I don't do Instagram, so I am not sure.

I met some very nice people in the blogosphere.  I met a Sharon in Minnesota and a couple of Jody(e)s living north and south of me. I met a Tami who moved around.  I met a Dawn in Texas.  I read Pioneer Woman, before she was a Food Network star.  I watched the Merc being constructed on her blog and I have shopped there in person twice.

In fact, the year I was getting divorced I took a trip to meet some of the bloggy people in my life.  It was one of the most daring things I have ever done.  I drove to see people I had never met before.  I loved them all.  Loved them.  But, I can't really imagine doing that again.  I am not as brave as I seemed while I was going through the divorce.  Or perhaps I am not as brave as I used to be.

Of all the blogs I used to read, Pioneer Woman still does one, but the others have moved on.  I am Facebook friends with some of them, those past bloggers. Life evolves, things change. It was fun while it lasted.

The Junk I Write

 Mostly this blog has been hastily written and poorly edited over the past year or so.  I used to work so hard at the blog.  But, the grandchildren have taken priority of late.  I am working harder than I worked during my career when I was paid, taking care of 2 children under 3 from 8 to 4 or 4:30 for five days a week. These days I work for fun and for free and I work harder than ever.  And I am getting old. I mainly only have the time and energy to write on weekends.  So, I throw together a week's worth of posts finishing up with the Sunday prayers, and that's it until next week.

I ask myself why I keep at it since I am not blogging to my own standard. I am a better thinker and a better writer than I have been showing myself to be.  But, I stopped blogging for a while and put the pause on various times and I really wasn't happy not to write.  I write a lot.  I keep a paper journal and I pray/write Lectio Divina every day.  I write other things when I have time, but most of my written stuff, nobody will ever see.  I like having the blog to have at least something published.

But, I hope a day is coming and not so far off when I will give up caring for my grandchildren and just be their grandma, and not their babysitter.  It was getting to be too much.  I realized that I have my limits and I had reached mine.  After my son and daughter in law have been vaccinated, I have asked them to find daycare for the kids. I need time to be me and not spend my days rinsing poopy diapers and trying to reason with a 2 year old or put a one year old to sleep. I love to play with the kids, but I have found it impossible to play all day.

In that future day I hope to write a better blog. I hope to research family history and maybe write a book.  I want to travel a little more.  I think of getting a dog and I think of not getting a dog.  I still have the birds (parakeets) and maybe if I had more time I could tame them. Anyway, there are lots of things that I would like to put my hand to before time runs out for me.  I will miss the grandchildren on a day to day basis, but I hope to still keep them in my life.  I do like to play with children. 

Listen, Do You Want to Know a Secret?

 You probably could guess this.  I write a weeks worth of posts on Sunday afternoon and schedule them to appear throughout the week.  It isn't really a good way to blog.  I used to write longer more thoughtful posts.  But, I am busy these days.  If I wait until I have time or only post when I have something profound to say, the blog won't happen.

I find that it is a good discipline for me to write up the posts and schedule them throughout the the week.  It isn't very good writing, but I have a record for myself of where I was and what I was doing at a particular time.  The blog keeps track of my life.  And that is for me what blogs are for at the moment.

Do You Want to Know a Secret?

Apparently, and not surprisingly, a great many people want to know a secret lately.  I get texts on a daily basis asking my opinions. Most of these opinions of mine lead to finding out who I plan to vote for in November. I don't talk to any of them.  I want to keep my opinions to myself.  I plan to vote.  I encourage you to vote.  Your vote is your voice and it is a great privilege.

I have lived long enough to know that people don't change their vote based on some rant on a blog or some social media page.  They shore up their opinions when they read something they agree with.  Sometimes they hate if they disagree. I don't want the hate.  I don't believe that I know enough to really tell anyone else who they should vote for.  But, I had one thing I wanted to share.

One thing I heard lately was that this person didn't need their leader to be a moral person. While I hold many beliefs in common with this person, I was shocked and appalled by this statement, as she would probably be with mine here.  I need for my leader to be a moral person, to have some sort of moral compass.  I don't have to necessarily totally agree with the morality of the leader.  They might hold a religious belief different from mine.  But, for me, some sort of moral values is essential.

Life presents many challenges.  Most of them I can't prepare for or know about ahead of time.  They happen.  The way I handle them is based on my moral compass.  I know what to do based on what I believe. How does a leader decided what to do if they have no values? So, my votes in November will be based on the people who have the strongest moral compass that agrees with my own values.  From their values, they can lead, they can be a servant to all which is what governing is.  I don't want a ruler.  I don't need a king or someone who acts like one, I want a public servant.  Don't ask me who I will vote for, tell me what you believe.

Keep On Keeping On

 Sometimes I have nothing to write about, if you are reading this, you would probably say that I am stating the obvious.  My thoughts are not profound or even finished half the time lately.  I am busy with the grandchildren.  Other than that my life has gotten very narrow.  As we all have, I suppose.

Even though I have nothing to say, I need to make myself write this.  I need to keep up the blog as a mental exercise.  I started Hope Echoes because I suppose I felt very hopeless.  I needed an outlet, a place to express myself.  I believed in hope.  I wanted hope.  I desperately wanted to make someone else change for the better.  I discovered that I could only change me.  I discovered that there was hope in my life.  That my hope didn't hinge on someone else.  Hope came from within.  For me hope was a manifestation of the Holy Spirit.

So, I don't have anything much to say today. My brain is fried.  But I will post something, because that is my mission, to keep on keeping on every single day.

Okay, Okay, I am getting the hang of it

 I have been adjusting to the new Blogger format thing.  It isn't as bad as I feared.  It is a pain having to think about where something is or how to do something that used to be automatic.  It really is.  But, it isn't hard.  I am getting the hang of it.  So, perhaps you can teach an old dog new tricks.

Something to Write About

I spend most of my time these days inside my house.  Things don't change much around here.  I find being out among people gives me things to write about.  My being at home  limits my topics.  My head rolls around and around and nothing comes out.

It isn't that I have nothing to do.  I have cleaning enough to keep me busy the rest of my mortal life.  I have fabric enough to make 20 quilts.  But, I don't have the energy to make that many.  I have patterns for clothing for me and the grandchildren, but not the motivation.  I have things I could do with the birds if they didn't make me sneeze so much.  I have puzzles.  I have a document camera to learn how to use and lots of documents to photograph.  I have yeast and flour and enjoy baking.  I have a writing project and this blog.  I have paperwork to sort and file.  I have a car that needs washing.  I have lots of television and movies that I could watch.  I am not bored really.  But, I am not motivated.

I understand the people who are losing their minds and want to forget about the virus.  I want to forget too.  But, I am overweight, 66, type A, all the factors that make the virus dangerous to me in particular.  I have to be patient.  I have to trust that God has a plan.  That God's plan is best.  But, sometimes that trust is hard.

If it were easy, than where would the virtue be in that?  I am casting about for something to write about.

New Blogger

I tried the new blogger.  I don't like it.  I am old and set in my ways.  So there.

Under My Belt

As I write this on Friday night, I am smiling because this is for Monday morning.  I have posts scheduled already for Saturday and Sunday.  I used to live my life this way, stacking up future posts and editing them, changing and rearranging.  This blog was my magazine and I was the editor.  I had features and themes.  I didn't shy from religion, but I tried to give politics a wide berth.

Maybe it is time again to do the blog, really do the blog.  I am surprised that I still have readers since I have been gone for so long, but the stats don't lie.  Some people are reading this stuff.  Truth is I would write the same, whether anyone was reading or not.  I write for me.  So, if I want to endlessly tell the parakeet story one day, read it or don't. I write for me.

I have thoughts.  I have lots of thoughts.  Having the blog saves my friends and family from having to hear these things.  The blog gives me an outlet.  And once in a while the blog has introduced me to someone or some twos who are crazy in the same peculiar way that I am.  I have found a few kindred spirits through the blog.

It is nice to start getting some blog posts under my belt, so to speak.  It is nice to take the stage or have the floor or whatever you would call it.  It is nice to put my thoughts out there.  Thank You!

Blogging, A Semi-Occasional Project

I am considering closing the blog.   I obviously don't get around to it often.  I am writing other things in other places these days.  I am playing with babies and reading stories.  I have a life.  While I can't strictly say I am too busy, I am having my need to reach out satisfied in other ways.

Another problem with blogging is, once I have been burned I find it hard to trust the safety of this medium. Something I wrote was used against me and not because I wrote bad things about someone, but because I wrote good. I fear persons reading and copying something I write to prove something about me. I am tired of anyone telling me who I am.  While the attempt that was made against me ultimately failed, it stung. It made this not a safe place for me to put down honest feelings, honest facts.  I am constantly looking over my shoulder.  What did I say that someone could glean information or use against me?

My life is pretty good these days. I wasted a lot of years trying to make a mistake work out.  When I finally let go, let God and admitted that I was powerless over someone else, I was able to find serenity and contentment.  I started writing the blog because I was so lonely. These days I live alone, but I have never been as lonely and fearful as I used to be. The fact is, I don't need the blog like I once did.

I will continue my semi-occasional posting perhaps for a while, but when I don't feel free to say what is going on in my life, the blog seems a little hollow, a little absent. Now I ponder.  What does it mean?  What will it mean? Is enough, enough?

Off On Adventures

This summer I have been off on adventures.  Some of them only in my mind.  Some of them by land and car.

But the greatest adventure was watching my grandson as he is turning into a boy and not a baby.  He is almost walking. It has been a process, but he is getting there at almost 14 months.

I wrote more things, but the computer erased them when some scan updated, so I decided to leave this a very short post.  I am off on adventures.  Near and far.

Sometimes I Think In Essays

One of the hazards of blogging is that I sometimes write blog posts in my head.  I think about things in essays.  While this is not a bad thing, it is sometimes weird when I a speaking to someone else and I go into essay mode.  I defend actions and positions in my essays that appear in my mind.  Most of them don't make it to the blog.

Lately, I have had thoughts about politics, marriage, divorce, The Church, housekeeping and mending, painting the deck, and the like.  But some of these thoughts are very private, some are semi-private and some I fear sharing because I might be misinterpreted or hated by people who disagree.  I wonder what has happened to the world when someone who disagrees or holds an opposing position is vilified?  Once upon a time I thought that it was polite to listen to others and maybe agree to disagree at the end of the discussion.  I know that I have learned a lot of things from people who held opposite opinions.  I may not agree with them, but I see where they are coming from.

It seems like a better world if we try to see where people are coming from, maybe not murderous dictators in third world countries or people who lead gangs or really, really bad people who do not in anyway conform to the norms of society.  But, people we talk to, people we know, why can't we listen to them?  It seems as though some people, maybe a lot of people want to stereotype someone who holds an opposing view as a bad person who then believes a host of other bad things.

I wish that I could feel free to express my opinions without fear that I might be stomped on, maybe hacked or even arrested or threatened because I expressed an opinion.  I wouldn't mind honest criticism or a debate of sorts in the comments, but I have seen and experienced it going farther than this.  Reality is, by writing this blog I am stating a public opinion and publishing something.  In our society today, that would mean that I am open to potshots and whatever anyone else wants to say or do.  I can control the comments, but I can't control things like referrals from bad sites and hacking.  So, better not to engage in public airing of my thoughts.

I have a lot of thoughts that I express in essays, but today, most of them don't go up on this blog.  I am more and more thinking that perhaps it might be better to get off all media and go dark on the blog and other social sites.  I find that privacy and security and safety might be a better option.  But, for now, I will continue essays that are safe and defensible and won't attract too much attention.

Beta Test--Blogging Again

I took the blog offline for a while.  Somebody used some of my posts against me.  They weren't negative posts, they were positive.  I was aware that I might be sued if I slandered or libeled someone. So I left only the positive stuff and even made it look better than I believed things were. My own words were used to hurt me, to make me look stupid.  I did.  I looked really stupid.  So, I thought I would never blog again.

But, time has passed.  I miss the blog.  I miss the act of putting words out onto the world wide web.  I will try to be more careful this time.  But, truth is, people will use things against you.  It is a reflection of who they are, not who I am.  There is no protection in this world from bad people, no total protection.  But, I can try to echo hope.  I can be myself and share my thoughts.

Learn from me, anything you put out there can and will be used against you.  You have the right to remain silent and sometimes that is the smartest choice.  But, hey, I have already been made to look really stupid, so I will risk the consequences.

Writing Posts in my Head

I have been a long time blogger. Lately, I have jumped the tracks and not posted much.  But, lots of posts have been written in my head.  Some of the posts are angry reactions to things I have remembered or happened.  Those are typically ones I usually didn't really write and post or tried not to, even back in the day when I posted daily.  But, some are charming little pieces related to thoughts about things I have encountered. I would have liked to have written them, but I didn't and now they are gone from by brain.  I have moved on.

Blogging has taught me to think about things in essay format.  I think about the beginning, the middle and the end.  I consider the topic and what feelings I want to impart.  It is rather amusing.  And perhaps rather sad. Or pathetic.  Or maybe just human.

I am learning very slowly to give myself a break, to love myself and find myself acceptable.  I am human.  I am writing about the human condition, my condition.  I have made mistakes.  I have tried to find my authentic self. I have stretched and grown.  Writing it down in a little essay helps that growth.  I want to remind myself to sit down and write these little essays instead of just considering them in my head.