Ask and You Will Receive

 Last week my sister and I toured a long term care facility.  At 100 and a half my mom is getting difficult for my sister to take care of.  One of the concerns is that although Mom doesn't talk much and definitely seems to be sinking into senility, she still knows who she is, where she is and who she is talking to.  She may not remember it later, but in the moment, she still knows stuff.

We don't want to just put her in the nursing home to be unhappy.  We are all fatigued of taking care of her because she is 100 and we have been supplying care in one way or another for a long time.  And we will keep doing this, but we are trying to also have our own lives.

In the tour of the nursing home I mentioned hospice.  I had been wondering if hospice could provide some sort of help for us.  My sister really needs a break sometimes.  Dressing, laundering, cleaning up, making food for, and entertaining my mom is a lot, not to mention medications and monitoring blood sugar and blood pressure.  The tour guide then told us about respite care that the long term care facility provides, sometimes through hospice.

While it is a small thing, the weight of the world fell off of me.  If my sister had an emergency, the plan had been for me to drive over and try to care for Mom in my sister's home.  There are some back up people that could be called on, but it would mainly fall on me.  I feel very nervous about that. I am not a nursing type and I never would have volunteered to take care of my mom in my home.

That one question has opened a door for us to consider in the care of my mother.  There may be some help available.  It may not be entirely up to us.

Post Pandemic Party

 Way back last winter when it was obvious that my mom was probably going to live to see a hundred years, my sister started making plans.  We really didn't know if a party would be possible, and if one was, what it would look like. She reserved a shelter house in a park that was part of a bird sanctuary.  It was a pretty spot with restrooms and a close parking lot.

As time and vaccinations marched forward it seemed that it might be possible to have an actual party.  This was especially true since we had an outside party space.  The mask mandate for that city was lifted less than a month before the party.  But, my sister and I made plans. We held two online parties and the Saturday at the park.  My sister sent out invitations (which were not handled in a timely fashion by the post office, I might add).

About 23 people were there at the Saturday party.  It felt weird not to wear masks, but it would have felt weirder to wear them. Among the attendees were Mom (100), Uncle Rusty (97), Mom's first cousins, my two oldest cousins, both my brothers and my sister, spouses, a niece, a couple of grandsons, and great grandchildren. In age we ranged from 1 to 100, with one pregnant lady in attendance. There weren't any of Mom's friends as there had been at previous parties.  Most of them are passed away or too frail to come out to a park for a party.  We had people there from as far away as Colorado and North Carolina.

My nephew who worked as a chef made the food. We ordered a store bought pull apart cake in the shape of 100. The occasion was reminiscent of the many family reunions that my mom and her cousin had planned in summers long ago. It was the first post pandemic party for me and many people present, but it was probably the last big party for my mom.  I think she enjoyed it and perhaps she will remember it. I will remember it and thank the Lord for the blessing of Mom's long life.

Bluebirds Are for Happiness

 My mom's hundredth birthday celebration is over.  We held it at a shelter house in a park in mid-Missouri in June. It didn't rain. It was hot-ish and windy, but we all made it through the day. My sister planned way too much food and decorations and entertainment, but nobody ever complains about too much, right?

As suggested, I showed up at 9 to help set up for the 11 am party.  Only my brother in law and I were there and we were both 10 minutes late.  The shelter house is in a park with a bird sanctuary. I didn't go walking into the trails in the woods.  But, as we were setting things up I saw the first bluebird I have ever seen in real life.  Bluebirds are beautiful bright blue birds with reddish orange on their breasts.  They were on the Missouri license plates for years, so I couldn't help recognizing the bird.

The bird flew around us and landed on a sign. He flew around several times and finally took off as more people arrived.  The bluebird is the state bird of Missouri, but as I mentioned, I had never seen one before.  I pay attention to birds around me and I would have noticed a bluebird.  They say the bluebirds bring happiness.  I would say that this one was successful.

Hurry, Hurry and Don't Forget

Today I take off for the 100 year old party for Mom.  I have a bunch of things I am supposed to bring to my sister's house. The outdoor game Washers, a cooler, lawn chairs, photos, and on and on.  It has been a challenging week, watching the grandkids and getting ready for the party.

I will see my brother's and some cousins at this party.  I hope that the weather is okay.  Mom has had some bloody noses lately that are worrying.  Sister has had some anxiety attacks. I haven't been sleeping well. These things are mostly par for the course of Mom's big birthday parties. So many years, so many parties. 

I have decided that if I live to 80, I don't want a big party.  I might like to see my siblings.  I know that I would like to see my son and his family.  I will go visit or talk on the phone to whoever else I want to.  I don't like big parties.  But, Mom does, so this is for her.  I hope the party and all the people and things don't kill her, but it seems more likely that it will kill me, or my sister or some of us left to try to make this a celebration.

Century Club

 

Well, Mom turns 100 today. This picture was a couple of years ago. Mom has always referred to me as short, but age has stolen some of her height. I am the shortest and the oldest of the siblings. Mom always likes to wear white to a wedding and this was at my son's wedding reception.  As you can see, I talked her out of pure white. 

We siblings get together to visit with Mom a couple of times a year.  My sister and I visit more often, especially since Mom lives with her now.  The brothers live farther away.  But, we will all be there next weekend to celebrate with her.  Some relatives are coming from Colorado and some from North Carolina. We have planned a picnic in the park.

My feelings about my mom are different from each of my siblings.  Only 5 years separates the youngest from the oldest of the four of us, but we grew up in different families with different parents. Well, they were the exact same parents, but our memories of them are so different.

People say I am like my mom and they are right and they are wrong.  I was Mom's right hand girl.  Even when I was up in my 30s and 40s with a family of my own, there are relatives who referred to me as "Milly's Girl." But, I had my differences.  I have a different personality than Mom.  It is a good thing, because my mom was a force of nature and there could not have been two of us in the family with survival assured for both of us.

Mom was thoroughly modern Milly.  She got a college degree and a career long before it was common for women to do so.  She was born in horse and buggy days. Eventually her family owned a model T Ford.  They didn't have electricity at her house until she graduated from high school.  They (my grandparents) didn't have indoor plumbing until about the time I came along and Mom was long married.  Dad and Mom met at college and married after the War.  They were married five years before I came along.  They had been told that they likely wouldn't have children, so I was a surprise and a miracle.

As I mentioned, each of my siblings have different feelings about our parents and how we were raised. Mom certainly was a role model for drive and determination.  I refer to her past tense, not because she isn't here, because she is still alive and kicking and knows us and can tell a story or two or ten. But, she has softened.  Time has taken away the edge, smoothed the rough parts.  She has become a very sweet, serene old woman.  She seems largely at peace with things.  That is a blessing.

Warning, You Could Start Something

 We are approaching my mom's 100th birthday.  I reflect that it is lucky that she was in her 30s before she started having children because my siblings and I are all younger than you might think.  I could be going on 80 instead of nearing 70 which would make a 100th birthday party for Mom a bit harder. And, yes, we are planning a party, or I should say, my sister is.  Mom lives with her, so it is only fair. (Or not, but I live 100 miles away so I haven't had much "hands on" with this party.)

I can't help but reflect on Mom's birthdays over the years.  My siblings and I had a big party for Mom for her 80th.  We rented a room. We made speeches.  We invited people from far and wide.  We had food and a cake and events. It was a blow out.  I remember my mom made a speech about it being her last party because she didn't expect to see 90.  She was wrong on that score.

Then at 90 we had another bash.  We once again rented a space, had food and cake and events. All Mom's siblings were still alive for that party.  She was the oldest in her family.  Aunt Hazel, Mom's sister, was battling cancer and passed away later that summer. Mom was doing great and it was a fun event.  It was a lot of work, but it was a milestone. Mom was still driving and shopping and cooking at 90.

Mom moved closer to me and away from the community where she had lived most of her life when she was 94. We convinced her to give up the car.  She was still in independent living.  It seemed that maybe public parties were over.  The family came in and we celebrated, but not the big bashes we had for the 80th and the 90th. And then we moved Mom to an assisted living closer to my sister a few years after that. (It was a struggle to get her to agree to move from Illinois to Missouri.)

A couple of years ago, before the pandemic, my sister hosted a 98th birthday party for Mom.  We really didn't think many would attend.  All of Mom's siblings and most of her friends have passed away.  But, former pupils (Mom was  a teacher for many years) came out of the woodwork and cousins we hadn't seen in years.

So, a year ago in the midst of the pandemic, we moved Mom out of assisted living and into my sister's house.  Mom has the master bedroom.  It think it is a big sacrifice for my sister and her husband, but so far they are okay with it. And sister is planning a party aswe come out of this pandemic.  This is in part because of the family members who attended the 80th, 90th and 98th parties and have expressed a desire to be invited if we do something for the 100th.  In fact I don't think there was an "if" in there.  There is an expectation. We have a shelter house reserved and hope for decent weather.

Mom hears poorly and is sometimes confused.  Her short term memory is shot.  But, she still knows us and can carry on a conversation.  She still enjoys a party. So, we are having one.  But, I can't help reflect that we started too early on that last birthday party.  Mom was saying her final good byes 20 years ago. We started that too soon.  It is a long drawn out good bye.

Mom

In June my mom will be 100.  She gets to live this long in part because my sister decided to take Mom in last year so that she wouldn't be isolated in assisted living or die of the virus brought in by staff members.  My sister quit her job to do this for Mom and it was mutually beneficial in many ways for both of them.

Due to the pandemic I hadn't seen much of Mom or my sister in the past year.  To drive a hundred miles to sit on the deck in a mask for a few hours didn't seem worth it in the winter.  But, I got my vaccine in my sister's town.  We got to have a visit.  I got to see Mom.

You might wonder about Mom at 100.  She is still mentally with it.  I wouldn't say that she is sharp.  Her short term memory is going, going, gone.  But, she still knows me, knows about my family.  She likes to see pictures of the grandchildren and hear about them. Her hearing is going, but she can hear me. Ask her about my visit the day after I was there and she probably won't remember that she saw me, but she knew me while I was there.

Now that we are all vaccinated, my mom, my sister and her husband, perhaps we can visit more often.  I look forward to it.  My sister and I are discussing what to do with Mom in the future.  She needs a caretaker, but my sister and her husband also need a life. Life is very uncharted when it comes to the ancients.  It is a play it by ear operation at best. 

Beverly Cleary passed away last week at 104.  I always reminded my sister whenever we would make plans for Mom and wonder how far ahead to plan for that Beverly Cleary was over 100 and still living. And now Ms Cleary is gone, but 104! I loved her books.  I still do.  I have purchased a set for my grandchildren.  Ms Cleary's only still living child, her daughter passed away a year ago.  I hope this last year wasn't too lonely for Ms Cleary.  

I hope going forward we can figure out somewhere for Mom to live that won't put too much strain on my sister and her family.  I hope Mom can enjoy seeing family and enjoy her life in these last few years. But, before those decisions are reached, there is a 100th birthday to plan!

Boring Post for Saturday-Ashes

Boring posts seem to be my genre'. I write about a lot of nothing so much of the time.  I went over to visit my mom a few weeks ago.  She is 99 and living with my sister in another city 100 miles away.  I was remembering the trip that my sister and I took with my mom some years ago, at least 20 years or more.  my sister and I took our boys and our mom and went east to visit family in Virginia and North Carolina and Indiana to name a few places.  I drove our Caravan.  It was a great trip in may ways and a little wearing in others.

The thing I remember the most was my mom had rather greenish hair.  Not green like the kids wear today.  Mom was naturally a bit red headed, auburn, I think you call it.  but as she went gray the red disappeared, mainly because Mom never chose dye with red, she always chose ash.  She would talk about ladies with reddish dyed hair.  So I guess she couldn't see it, but her hair had a decided green tint that summer.

When I think of that trip, that is the first thing I remember.  It was the summer my mom had green hair when we visited all the relatives.  If I live to be a really old lady I wonder what quirky thing people will remember about me?

Happy Birthday, Mommy

The lady in the middle turns 99 years young today.  She is more with it than you would probably expect for someone beginning her 100th year.  When she was born her family didn't own an automobile, have inside running water, or electricity.  This was not because her family was poor, but rather because in rural Illinois, farm families didn't enjoy those things yet. She both went to and taught in one room schools.

I have heard many times the story of that little chair sitting in front of my grandson.  There are two of those chairs.  They came from southern Indiana.  An uncle sent them to my mom and her sister through the mail.  They were hanging over the fence post because they didn't fit in the mailbox with an address tag.  That was before we had Amazon and FedEx and all that jazz.

With any luck I will get to see Mom for her birthday.  The plan is to move her out of assisted living.  The virus is making it too dangerous for her to stay there.  In her last years of life she needs to be somewhere with her family.  She doesn't really need nursing care.  My sister is stepping up to take her.

Happy Birthday, Mom.  Someone surely hoped that you would live in interesting times.  Because you have seen depressions, wars, and plagues, and you are still here.

Oh, Mom

My mom begins her 99th year on Sunday.  It sort of blows my mind.  My mom is nearly 100 years old.  We are having a party because at this age, the surety of the next birthday is not there like it was at 60 or 70 or 80 or even 90.  All of her children will be there and a few of her grandchildren.  It is a life worth celebrating.  Mom wins the longevity prize.

We moved Mom to a different assisted living facility about 6 months ago.  I was aware of the problems of her former place and I wasn't very patient about the gaps in care.  Because Mom is having short term memory lapses, it is hard to be sure exactly all the problems in the last facility, but when I became sure that there were problems, we moved Mom. God was watching out for us because there is a flood between my house and Mom's former home.

The place we moved Mom is more expensive. But her room is bigger and nicer and the food is better.  Services come to her like the podiatrist instead of me endlessly running her to places and hoping that she won't refuse to go when I show up to get her.  The new place promised everything we wanted and more. Promises, promises.

Problems began to show up almost immediately.   There were plumbing problems and problems getting a phone installed to name a couple of things. When we pushed the emergency button and no one showed up for more than an hour, and when 2 complete sets of sheets disappeared, and when maroon pants showed up that didn't belong to or fit Mom and navy pants were missing and so on, it felt like we had been sold a bill of goods.  But what do we do, move mom yet again?  No.

This birthday weekend, besides celebrating Mom's birthday, my siblings and I will try to untangle the problems with her assisted living facility.  We will succeed.  In fact my sister has already laid the groundwork and things are moving in the right direction.  We have learned that we need to be vigilant. We need to patiently expect and remind them to do the things that they promised.

The thing that I wonder about is, what would someone do who didn't have children to try to straighten things out?  Mom can't advocate for herself anymore.  I wonder what I would do if I would live to 99.  I have hope that God will provide for me, just like Mom is cared for.  I talk to God about this, the problems of very old age.

Added--Mom had a wonderful birthday.  One of her former fifth grade students showed up at the party as well as a cousin we hadn't seen in a while.  There were great grandchildren and grandchildren.  One of her grandchildren is the chef who did the catering.

Red Earth Cake with Rocky Road Icing

Okay, okay. I was going to make you wait until Tuesday, but without further ado. Here is the best version of the red earth cake with rocky road icing that I found at Mom's this weekend.  She had a couple of versions. The other one involved instant coffee powder.  We both agreed that she stopped making it in about 1968.  It was a great cake to take on a picnic. When we moved to the country we didn't go on picnics much because who needs nature when you already live there?

Red Earth Cake

Ingredients:

4 Tsps. cocoa powder

1 tsp. red food coloring

1/4 c. luke warm coffee

1 1/2 c. sugar

1/2 c. shortening

2 eggs

2 c. flour

1/2 tsp. salt

1 tsp. baking powder

1 tsp. vanilla

1 c. sour milk or buttermilk

Cream sugar and shortening. Add eggs and and sour milk gradually.  Then stir in flour, soda, salt.  Add cocoa, coffee and vanilla. Bake in a 9 by 13 cake pan at 350 degrees for around 30 minutes.

Rocky Road Icing

1 stick butter

4 Tbsps. cocoa powder

1/3 c. milk

3 c. powdered sugar

1 c. dry roasted salted peanuts

around 1/2 bag of marshmallows--either mini or the ever popular cutting big marshmallows into 1/4 pieces

Spread peanuts and marshmallows over the top of the cooled cake.  Cook butter, cocoa and milk to a boil.  Add powered sugar. While hot spread over the top of the cake with the marshmallows and peanuts on top.

Mom thought maybe this recipe came from relatives in Oklahoma.  Since my kid is allegic to red food coloring and I don't do well with peanuts I won't make this recipe, but have at it, if you must.