This Advent I have been doing something different with my Advent wreath. I light the candles at breakfast, sing, and write in my prayer journal. It has worked better than any year to remember to light the candles. Writing with candles lit seems to make the moment more connected to the sacred.
O Come, O Come, Emmanuel.
Today is St Nicholas Day. It is the proper day to give gifts. I never heard of it when I was a kid. My mom was not Catholic and she didn't do saints. I am not sure whether most other Catholic kids celebrated this day or not. As a parent I tried sometimes to celebrate St Nicholas Day, but I fell short. Without a background in how to do it, I really just didn't know what to do.
But, as a Grandma things are different. I intend to be a grandma who gives books to my grandchildren for St. Nick's Day. I want to be known as a book grandma.
Yesterday was At Andrew's feast day, so I am a day late. But, the readings about St Andrew started a reflection on Saint Andrew and all the Andrew's in my family. Saint Andrew brought people to Christ. What a gift, both to be remembered for that and to have that ability. I wonder if I have ever brought anyone to know Christ? I have tried. I tried mainly through example, but sometimes by invitation. St Andrew is a saint worth remembering.
In my family history a lot of Andrews. Currently there are a few young Andrews. But in past generations I have great grandfathers with that first name. My dad had Andrew as a middle name. Andrew always hangs around as a name that isn't completely out of date, but never the most popular. Andrew wasn't a star in the Gospel. But the work he did was important. He brought Peter to meet Jesus. What an important and blessed thing to do.
Sunday started the Advent season. In most of the secular world that means nothing. It is shopping season. Shop like crazy, but believe in Santa. (His day is coming up next week if anyone cares.) Decorate and listen to music and shop like crazy people. I try not to do that. I really do. I try not to make it my focus.
I have an Advent candle and I try to light the candles and sing (even if it is almost entirely alone). I usually plan a pilgrimage to some place like Our Lady of the Snows. This year I was thinking about Perryville, MO or going on a long trip to the church where I was baptized and going to Mass there. I will do something. I try to find ways to give some alms and do some good things. I try to figure out within my big messy family how to plan a get together.
One of my favorite songs in church is Christ Circle Round Us. I try to imagine in this dark, cold time of year that Christ is circling round me.
I usually do a Monday post when I am doing the blog for the week. But, last week I was busy. I bet you were too. I had a quiet Thanksgiving Day, then I watched the grandchildren on Friday. My brother came to stay a couple of nights with me. We had a family Thanksgiving on Saturday. Even my 100 year old mother was able to come from 100 miles away with my sister and her husband.
My brother left on Sunday morning and I went to church. I ate something when I got home. And then I didn't feel well. So, I never got around to the blog. I am feeling better now. I am retired, so sleeping in and not getting things done is no big deal.
Today I will do the things I planned for Sunday afternoon. I will do the blog. I will start the Advent decorating process. I have decided to take my time this year. Some years I have tried to do it all in a day. When I do that I am exhausted. The plan this year is to do it slow. I have heard that my grandson likes to decorate the tree. I think I will save that activity for him. He loves Christmas.
Apologies mainly to myself for being late today. It was a busy weekend.
My theme for Advent this year is thankfulness. I am noticing and noting some of the many gifts that I have received. All good gifts are from heaven as the song says, the Bible says. So, I am noting that this Advent.
I am thankful today for this blog. I started it in a dark time when I was lonely. I didn't know what to do in my situation. I didn't really want to share my whole truth. But, I needed an outlet. I needed a place to express hope and joy in the midst of loneliness and pain.
Doing the blog was my joy. If I wasn't entirely honest about my life, I will say that I expressed my hope. I expressed the way I wanted things to be. It was very ironic when my very hopeful words from this blog were used in court to try to prove that I was crazy. I learned to be more careful. I have hidden much of my earlier writing. I quit the blog for a while because it felt like a dangerous thing.
But, I really missed the writing. I missed having a record of the things going on in my life. I write the blog for me. If someone wants to read along, fine. I write for me. I am thankful for this blog. It has carried me through some very hard times.
My little granddaughter and I have had our moments. She didn't take to me for quite a while. She wanted Mommy. She really wanted Mommy. I wasn't Mommy. She screamed at the top of her lungs at the sight or sound of me. It was hard. I really came to dread caring for her. She was still acting like I was a stranger after 2 months.
Part of that was because Mommy was in the building and the little scamp figured out that if she screamed hard enough, Mommy would come for her. Since Mommy is still her main food source it is hard to separate a baby's wants from her needs.
Things started to get better little by little. She has a surprisingly charming smile which she came to share with me. I also seem to be the one who can put her to sleep fastest. I have that affect on people. Lately things have gotten a lot better. She likes me, she really likes me, to quote an Oscar winner.
I knew that we turned a corner last Wednesday when I stopped by for a few minutes. Little girl crawled away from Mommy and over to me. She pulled herself up and demanded to be picked up by me. I think this is the start of a beautiful friendship. My little granddaughter is a gift.
A few years ago when I had just completed a painful divorce my new financial advisor told me that if I wanted to, I could retire making about the same money as I had while working. The way he put it, if I liked my job, I could continue to work for free. Because, unless there was a big raise, I was just missing out on retirement benefits if I continued to work.
I did love my job. Or I should say, I used to love my job. But Chromebooks came in and they weren't in my opinion properly supported or thought through. I ended up taking the burden of the problems generated by Chromebooks in my very large middle school because I was the media specialist and Chromebooks were media. At the time my financial advisor suggested retirement I was drowning under the weight of over 100 broken Chromebooks. I didn't have time to even think about being a librarian.
Retire? Sure. I was very concerned that it was all a lie and I really wasn't going to have enough money to survive if I retired, but I wanted out. I imagined that if I needed to I could find some other career. But, as it turned out. The advisor was right. I am fine. I no longer have to think about, dream about or even touch another Chromebook.
It was a gift, retirement. Considering the pandemic, watching my grandchildren and the travel I got to do retirement was the perfect gift for me.
A long long time ago in a galaxy far away, or maybe it was just in another state I got the best gift ever. I got a long awaited much anticipated sister. I had great expectations for this sister. I have to admit that she was a little disappointing at first. She came as a baby. And what a baby she was.
I ended up with a lot of jealousy toward her and we weren't very close as children. At five years younger than I was, she and I didn't have a lot in common. We came back together as grown ups. We discovered that we essentially had a great deal in common.
In the past several years we have grown closer and closer. I would say these days that she is my best friend. We are good traveling companions. We haven't done much traveling lately, but we look forward to a future when that might happen again.
Happy 62nd birthday, Sis. You are my best gift ever.
I have been reminded various times in my life that I am a human being, not a human doing. But, I was trained up to be productive, to accomplish something. I was trained that the value of the day was having something to show for it. Be busy or look busy. No loafing. No being lazy.
So, I struggle with letting go and spending time doing enjoyable things that produce nothing. Quilts produce something, so they are acceptable. But puzzles? I really like to do puzzles. They are a fun group thing for a small group, but they are also fun alone. Usually I quilt when I am taking a rest or spending time.
This past weekend I reminded myself that I am a being, not doing and I hauled out one the many puzzles I collected. My sister has passed a bunch to me and they mostly sit waiting for a time I am not sure ever will come. But, this weekend I pulled out one of those puzzles and worked it. It was an antique typewriter shape and not an easy puzzle. It was thoroughly enjoyable working that puzzle. It was a gift.
Advent started yesterday. Most of the "Advent Calendars" start tomorrow, December 1. The length of the season varies, but most calendars don't. Advent is a time of waiting. When I was a kid it was all about the presents on Christmas. I was waiting to see what I got. I noticed the world getting prettier and the families coming together, but when I was a kid I have to admit the main thing was the presents.
As I got older I looked forward to seeing the people I loved and didn't get to see as much, like my cousins and my grandparents. It was surprising to me that at some point the gifts I got didn't give me much joy, but the gifts I gave made me happy. Advent became about shopping.
Then as an adult with my own family, I looked forward to the delight in my child's eyes as he opened gifts. Having a child rekindled the joy of Christmas. It wasn't just about shopping, it was the experience.
Overlaid in all of those Advent experiences was Church. When I was young Christmas and Church was hard to figure out because my church doesn't decorate for Christmas until Christmas. Before the day, the celebrations focus on purple and pink and waiting. It took a while for that concept to sink in for me. We continue with the carols and the trees and the Christmas celebration way into January. Most of the world has moved on.
I can't define the exact moment when I finally felt the joy of the arrival of Jesus at Christmas. I am sure that the first midnight Mass I attended while I was a teenager began that dawning. Lectoring at Christmas Masses brought that feeling closer to me also. But, visiting Bethlehem a couple of years ago an touching the spot where Jesus was born cemented that feeling of joy, of hearing angels singing.
These days gifts don't do much for me. I would like to get together with my whole family, but I think that will have to wait for a different year. I will be happy to see the people closest to me. I will no doubt attend church on my computer. I will look forward to another year when things are different.
This year in less than ideal circumstances I will welcome the arrival of Jesus in my heart. I will reflect on Christmases past and present and yet to come. But, right now, this Advent, I will wait and watch and pray.
