Not A Perfectionist

I would argue that I am not a perfectionist.  I am not.  I am scattered and creative and messy.  I am not a perfectionist.  Or am I?  I am discovered that perfectionists come in a variety of shapes and sizes, so to speak.  I am not a neat, orderly perfectionist.  I am not a clean until I drop perfectionist.  So, that makes me not a perfectionist, right?

Recently I have discovered that this is perhaps wrong.  Perhaps I am more of a perfectionist than I realized or admitted.  I read somewhere that people who are creative or messy or "lack the cleaning gene" are sometimes more perfectionistic than their neat, orderly sisters.  I don't remember where I read this, but what I remember about it was that some perfectionists have trouble starting a task because the completion never measures up to their perfectionistic standards.  I don't remember the source because I rejected this idea. Wrong!  But, obviously it has stayed in my mind.

What I have discovered about myself during all this reflection time at home is, I am often discouraged from starting a task because I self defeat--I tell myself that I can't finish or it won't be right or I don't have what I need to do it.  I fall into negative self talk.  I defeat myself before I begin.  When I clean something I don't feel satisfaction about things looking better or more orderly.  I see the things that aren't right or the things that are not done.  I get no joy from cleaning or sorting.  I am too perfectionistic to enjoy a job well done, if it isn't perfect.

I have started a new strategy. I have tried recognizing my perfectionism and giving myself a pat on the back for every little start in the right direction.  I try to give myself affirmations instead of criticisms.  It is a tough road for me.  I am used to lecturing myself for my defects.  But, smile, instead I am trying to compliment myself for my perfectionism and acknowledge the effort, not focusing on what is yet to be done. 

Crazy Mess

Everybody has their own form of crazy, as I call it.  A nicer way to say it might be, people have their own way of dealing with stress, their own way of self soothing.  Mine is escape.  I get away for a while whether it is by shopping, or a walk or a trip, I need to leave.  Then I can return again with a clear mind and heart.  But going is an important part of handling stress for me.

Some people clean to handle stress.  I have always been envious of those people.  How nice to be stressed and have a clean house as a result.  I can't even think straight when I am stressed, so cleaning and organizing don't go well.  Usually I make an even bigger mess with no idea of how I did it or how to get out of the mess.  It is not something I choose, it is the way my brain works.

So, if you are not a runner under stress, imagine how it is for me to be quarantining in this pandemic we are having.  I seem to be making bigger and bigger messes. I need that tidying up lady to come over and give me advice.  I have tried to "spark joy" but I don't think I get it.  I just want to go shopping or for a walk or to Alaska. 

But, I am not one of those people who is protesting the stay at home order.  I feel that if this virus gets me it may very probably kill me.  At very least I am afraid that I will get very sick and be in a lot of pain.  I need to stay at home and avoid this thing if I can. But there are days when my mind gets a little crazy and I imagine driving off to someplace, think about who I could visit.  Then I realize, nobody, that is who I can visit, nowhere, that is where I can go. The stores and restaurants will open around here soon, but I don't intend to visit them.  I don't trust the virus to have gone away just because people are tired of it.

Staying home and making messier messes that is the plan for now.  If I start really early in the day before my mind gets too busy and stop when I start to stress I can actually straighten and clean a bit.  Right now I am hanging onto that.  Do what I can and don't be hard on myself.  It is the way my mind works and since I can't trade it in for a new one, I will just have to work with what I have.