Crazy Mess

Everybody has their own form of crazy, as I call it.  A nicer way to say it might be, people have their own way of dealing with stress, their own way of self soothing.  Mine is escape.  I get away for a while whether it is by shopping, or a walk or a trip, I need to leave.  Then I can return again with a clear mind and heart.  But going is an important part of handling stress for me.

Some people clean to handle stress.  I have always been envious of those people.  How nice to be stressed and have a clean house as a result.  I can't even think straight when I am stressed, so cleaning and organizing don't go well.  Usually I make an even bigger mess with no idea of how I did it or how to get out of the mess.  It is not something I choose, it is the way my brain works.

So, if you are not a runner under stress, imagine how it is for me to be quarantining in this pandemic we are having.  I seem to be making bigger and bigger messes. I need that tidying up lady to come over and give me advice.  I have tried to "spark joy" but I don't think I get it.  I just want to go shopping or for a walk or to Alaska. 

But, I am not one of those people who is protesting the stay at home order.  I feel that if this virus gets me it may very probably kill me.  At very least I am afraid that I will get very sick and be in a lot of pain.  I need to stay at home and avoid this thing if I can. But there are days when my mind gets a little crazy and I imagine driving off to someplace, think about who I could visit.  Then I realize, nobody, that is who I can visit, nowhere, that is where I can go. The stores and restaurants will open around here soon, but I don't intend to visit them.  I don't trust the virus to have gone away just because people are tired of it.

Staying home and making messier messes that is the plan for now.  If I start really early in the day before my mind gets too busy and stop when I start to stress I can actually straighten and clean a bit.  Right now I am hanging onto that.  Do what I can and don't be hard on myself.  It is the way my mind works and since I can't trade it in for a new one, I will just have to work with what I have.