Resurrection

 At 7 am on Sunday I went to church.  I reserved a place ahead of time, I wore my mask. I sat socially distanced. I waved at the sign of peace.  I didn't stick around to talk afterward. But, I received Jesus in the Eucharist.  I had hungered for that so long. I went to a daily Mass and Reconciliation back in September, but after that the surge started and I didn't go again. I had not only myself to think of, but the grandchildren I care for and their parents who work from home.

When I was able to get the vaccine I was elated that the timing was perfect for me to be able to attend Mass for Easter.  I hit the two week mark on Sunday, Easter Sunday.  It seemed like a miracle, like a gift from God.  When I went into church I was also able to pick up a calendar.  They still kept them in the back for people like me.  It felt like an extra Easter surprise.  God takes such good care of me.

And how was Mass?  Oh, it was so much better than watching online on my tablet.  I am so thankful for the live streamed Masses this year. I really am thankful.  But, I was increasingly having problems staying focused, staying engaged in the Mass on the tablet.  I was falling into habits as if I was watching a television program instead of worshipping God.  Church is a multisensory experience.  Being there matters.

This pandemic year has made me think more of the tomb.  The isolation and quiet of the tomb is something I have considered.  I wasn't in a tomb this year, praise God.  But, the pandemic certainly provided moments of isolation and loneliness.  Shut away from other people alone. Today was glorious Easter, a time for resurrection, to appear  again.  A time to live.

Joyous Easter

The robins have set up a nest on the back porch and the grand baby is sleeping.  It is a cool spring day with some showers.  Easter, the season, the prolonged celebration is here. I had a good Lent and I am up for the celebration.  I am learning and sometimes succeeding in letting go of fear and and anxiety.  I am learning to be joyful.

Chief among my joys is my grandchild.  He is an easy baby and I needed one of those since I am his daycare provider.  I have loved him from the minute I met him and before that even.  I dreamed of him for years and years.  I loved the tiny baby he was when I first took care of him, but I must confess, he is really starting to be fun.  He understands and communicates with me.  He is a good eater, and a good sleeper (although he has been known to fight a nap as though it were Hitler).  He has my sense of humor, or maybe his mommy's humor, but whatever, we "get" each other.  While he is isn't perfect, he is perfect for me.

I am discovering and expressing who I am.  I used to reflect all the roles and expectations of others, try to be a good Catholic, a good Christian, a good citizen, a good sibling, daughter, wife; but these days I try to be me.  "Me" is a pretty good person, but if I don't vote in every election, or do things that cause me pain in order to make others happy, I am okay with that.  What I was trying for was perfection, and I am not perfect, none of us are, and it is time I accept that.  I am human.

This year I planted a blackberry bush, picked rocks from my flower bed, started a big quilt, and worked to put my house in order.  I do simple, ordinary things.  These things I do, I won't get recognition for, that aren't amazing or phenomenal.  But, I am reclaiming joy in the little things and the little person I spend my days with.  I am learning to accept God's mercy and grace.