Role Model

 As the oldest of four children in my family, my role, if you will, was to be a good role model. There were four of us in five years and two and a half years between me and my next sibling, so the bottom three were very close together in age.  I thought of myself as above them on the totem pole.  My virtue was sometimes extoled by my parents mainly because I did everything first.  I was the example, but also the experiment.

I held myself to high standards.  I was rarely punished.  I was the neighborhood babysitter and was given a lot of responsibility in my young years.  I thought of myself as a "good girl."  It seemed to me that my siblings got away with murder, or at least did naughty things with few consequences.  They did things that I truly would never have thought of doing, those siblings of mine.

Eventually, I grew up and I wasn't the role model for my siblings, but I went into education.  There is a lot of role modeling in that choice of vocation.  The kids seem to learn more from who you are than from what you say. I always tried to be a good role model for them.

I hesitate to mention that at one point I had a role in church.  I was a prayer group leader and a faith formation leader for ACTS retreats.  I felt that it was important to be a good role model in those circumstances. I was serving the Lord. I walked the walk.

But, in the ultimate act of betrayal against myself as a role model there came a day when I could no longer continue with my marriage. I had reached that precipice many times over the years, it was a hard life, a difficult marriage.  But, surviving a cancer diagnosis, being treated for depression, and finally finding the courage to put down the mask that I was wearing, I got a divorce. I could no longer be a role model, at least not in my own eyes. It hurt a lot, the giving up my job as a role model.

But, a few years out from the divorce and more than a year since I was granted an article of nullity by the church, I am seeing things more clearly.  God didn't make me to be the universal role model for all people. I am a flawed human and I make mistakes.  One of my biggest ones was the hasty trip down the altar that left me in a terrible marriage.  But, God didn't leave me there in agony.  He didn't abandon me because I made a mistake, I was headstrong.  I relied on my own will.  I didn't seek help when I was in trouble. But, I was able to get out of that situation and make a new life. It is a good life.  It is a very good life.  While I will always try to do good and avoid evil, I totally resign from being anyone's role model.