Considering Things

I am the Prodigal daughter, although I never meant to be.  I was a rule follower, the good girl, the responsible person.  People mistook my fear of breaking rules, being blamed or yelled at for maturity.  I was really a scared child for a good part of my life.  I had moments of clarity when I could see that things weren't right.  But, when I spoke up, I was yelled at, and blamed and I could see that the only solution was to become a rule breaker. I wasn't ready for that for a long long time.

Then there was cancer.  Or pre-cancer, abnormal cells that would be cancer if they weren't removed.  They were removed and I seem to be in the clear.  But, my life, my perfect looking life, had never really been live-able.  I was and had always been miserable.  Depressed and not wanting to go on with life, miserable.  Sadly, I was disappointed that cancer wasn't my ticket out of the misery.  But, cured, I had to live. I was diagnosed with the depression that I suffered from and I was helped to make a plan to make a better life. That better life made me into a rule breaker.

I became something I never ever wanted to be, a divorced woman.  I really don't know how to live with it.  I feel like I fell off a cliff. Ultimately, the opinions of other people are none of my business and I am the only one I have to please, but for a rule follower who fears being blamed and yelled at, sometimes that is hard to remember.

I am a divorced woman and that role doesn't make me happy.  I wish I was something different than that, but I realize that wearing that title I didn't want helps me to overcome the judgement and lack of understanding I sometimes had for other people through the years who were divorced.  I have learned to view the people who judge me now as the older brother in the Prodigal Son story.  I know that I, the Prodigal Daughter, am welcomed by God with loving open arms.

And I forgot to add--These days I am happy most days and joy-filled sometimes and blessed always.  This is the life for which I was created.  This moment is where God has led me so far.  All things considered, life is amazing.