Holy Innocents

Today is the feast day of the Holy Innocents, the babies killed while Herod was trying to kill the Christ child. I usually attend Mass on this day.  This year it will be over the internet.  It is an important day for me.  It is the day the baby, the last baby I conceived, was gone. I mark her brief life and passing by celebrating Mass, the place where heaven and earth meet.

Losing that baby was the deepest sorrow of my life.  I live an easy life in a first world country.  I am not wealthy, but I pretty much have what I want with extra to share. In my first world life, I am used to achieving my goals, making my dreams come true, solving my problems. But, the loss of the baby and the inability to have any more was overwhelming.  My first baby  was my miracle baby. I realize how fortunate I am to have him.  

Being satisfied was the challenge.  Being satisfied with my lot in life and not being envious or sad, that was the hill I climbed. If given a choice, I would have the baby, but I don't have a choice and I have led a good and happy life.  I am reconciled to having only one child. It is okay.  It is more than okay, it is a great life.

And in the fourth quarter when the odds were against me, I got 2 lovely grandchildren.  Not one, but two! I used to miss the baby I lost almost everyday.  I used to think about her often.  But, since the grandchildren have arrived, I mainly only think of her on this day, the day we stood between heaven and earth.  So, I will go to Mass today, one way or another.

Born On Time

 The Nativity of the Blessed Virgin Mary was this week.  As my DIL commented, it was great that she was born on her due date. (Immaculate Conception Dec. 8)  Of course, the Church picks figurative dates, there is nothing literal about the date of the feasts.  How could anyone know when Mary was conceived or born?  But she was and picking a date to celebrate is just fine.

It happens that my grand daughter turned 5 months this week on Mary's birthday.  This baby cries, a lot. She seems to have a temper or a short fuse or poor coping skills or poor sleeping skills. As I took my walk on Mary's birthday I asked her to pray for me and this grand baby and help us to develop a better relationship.  I need for her to settle down and not cry and cry and cry for me.

All babies are conceived and born.  All babies will cry some tears. Mary had a baby so she knows how it is. Pray for us.

God's Many Gifts

I had a new granddaughter during the height of the pandemic here.  She has the name of one of my most favorite aunts.  That aunt passed away from colon cancer shortly after I lost a baby to ectopic pregnancy.  Aunt E told my mom that she would talk to Jesus about it and to tell me not to give up hope.  I didn't, but I also never had that second child I longed to hold.  Having a baby in heaven, okay, but I wanted the physical baby.  Over time, I logged that comment of Aunt E away with so many others, somebody being nice, trying to be encouraging, but not something to base my faith on or to lose my faith over.  I had a warm feeling about Aunt E because I knew that she wanted me to have another baby.  She understood.  God said "no."

My son and daughter in law kept their names for the new baby close to the vest.  They didn't consult me, didn't encourage any input from me.  I decided that the baby name being a complete surprise would be a good thing.  I would love that new baby even if they named her Tawwannadawnadingdong (and if that is your name I apologize, I was just trying to write a name that nobody would have).  I stayed with the grandson while his folks were bringing the baby into the world.  I got a text from my son late in the night with the baby's name.  Tears came unbidden from my eyes. The name they unknowingly chose was Aunt E's name. My son had no memory of Aunt E.  So, Aunt E did talk to Jesus and the perfect plan was for this baby I get to hold and love be my grandchild, not my child.  It seems right.  She is a miracle.