Today is the feast day of the Holy Innocents, the babies killed while Herod was trying to kill the Christ child. I usually attend Mass on this day. This year it will be over the internet. It is an important day for me. It is the day the baby, the last baby I conceived, was gone. I mark her brief life and passing by celebrating Mass, the place where heaven and earth meet.
Losing that baby was the deepest sorrow of my life. I live an easy life in a first world country. I am not wealthy, but I pretty much have what I want with extra to share. In my first world life, I am used to achieving my goals, making my dreams come true, solving my problems. But, the loss of the baby and the inability to have any more was overwhelming. My first baby was my miracle baby. I realize how fortunate I am to have him.
Being satisfied was the challenge. Being satisfied with my lot in life and not being envious or sad, that was the hill I climbed. If given a choice, I would have the baby, but I don't have a choice and I have led a good and happy life. I am reconciled to having only one child. It is okay. It is more than okay, it is a great life.
And in the fourth quarter when the odds were against me, I got 2 lovely grandchildren. Not one, but two! I used to miss the baby I lost almost everyday. I used to think about her often. But, since the grandchildren have arrived, I mainly only think of her on this day, the day we stood between heaven and earth. So, I will go to Mass today, one way or another.
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