It feels like last Christmas was a million years ago. I was looking over journal entries from a year ago and I was in a whole different place last year. I was most probably somewhat depressed. I can't say that I didn't know it. I tried to find things to make me laugh and I couldn't. I couldn't laugh.
In that depressed state of mind small slights and problems send me into a spiral down. I recognize this, but the things about depression is that you can't just tell it to go away. You can't just say, I shouldn't be depressed and then not be. It doesn't work like that. You don't choose to be depressed.
I have taken medication for depression before. I imagine that lots of people have. Getting off the depression medication was hard for me. I had a lot of symptoms from itching to uncontrolled eating. i almost decided to stay on the medication, but finally I was able to wean it down to nothing. Like many people, I never want to take antidepressants again unless I really need them.
But, this terrible year of problem after problem, I was not depressed. I handled things pretty well. I was able to keep myself from the downward path. I can laugh and enjoy things. I am thankful for the good mental health. It is nice to have feelings that I can count on rather than dark angry feelings that I have to fight.
I am thankful for this year of dramatic elections and pandemics. I am not thankful for those particular things, but I am thankful for the lessons they taught me. I take a step back if the news is too bad or too hard to digest. I walk out in the sunshine. I remind myself that someone else's rude behavior reflects on them, not on me. I don't try to be perfect anymore. I love myself.
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