Isolation

 During this pandemic I was never totally isolated.  Because my grand daughter was due in early April, I watched my grandson straight through the lock down.  I had contact with my son and his family at least three days a week.  I was part of several different Zoom groups.  I wasn't completely alone.  But, more alone than I had been before, less options. I went to the grocery store in the wee early hours, masked and scared. I didn't go to shop at hardware stores or fabric stores or big box stores even though they were open.

My life now is about the same as it was then.  I take care of my grandchildren 5 days a week and borrow my grandson on the weekends for a few hours. I grocery shop once a week.  That is about it.  I still Zoom a bunch of times a week.  I miss people not being in meetings, but just being with people.

Still, I was confronted by a reality just recently.  Even before the pandemic, I isolated.  I didn't have people come to my house very often. My house was messy.  I made all kinds of excuses.  Quite frankly, I was really frustrated with myself that I couldn't ever seem to get on top of things.  As I said, I read something that challenged the way I had been living.  I read an article about keeping a messy house was a way of self isolating, avoiding other people.  They couldn't come home because the house was messy.  Hold people at arms link, Keep them away.  It is what many people do when they have been affected by alcoholism.

Just that realization has helped me.  I have suddenly been able to look at the messes in my house and to start to untangle them.  There is stuff that was messy, that I had sitting around that I just needed to go through, throw away and maybe store some stuff in the basement.  I need to ask myself if I am ever picking up that book I put down 6 months ago and finishing it, or am I done with it?  And the book we read in my group last year, do I ever think I will read it again?  Time to donate it somewhere.  I have made some progress with some of the tangles.  I am writing this to remind and encourage myself to keep going.  There is no reason why I can't live in peace and order instead of chaos and confusion.  I have no more need to isolate, those days are gone. (Except for COVID, the virus is keeping me isolated for now, but not forever, I hope.)