The more things change, the more they stay the same. Isn't that how the saying goes? I am settling into new and old routines. The new routines of answering to myself. I am my own boss. I don't have to anticipate someone else getting mad or getting even with me if they don't like my choices. For a while I reacted like a rebellious teenager, doing all the things that would have gotten me in trouble before, not wrong thiings, just things that wouldn't have been approved of before. I was "out of control."
I have rebelled enough now. I am considering how I want to live and not how someone else didn't want me to live. I went back to weekday Mass the other day. I hadn't been to Mass during the week for a couple of years and I really missed it. I missed being with Jesus, receiving Jesus first thing in the morning. It is what I do. The way I live. I am not really the rebel type.
I am reflecting on the scraps and ruins of my life. There are a lot of good things there too, but I am looking at the things I need to abandon and the the things I want to keep. Marriage for me, wasn't what I dreamed of, wasn't at all a partnership, two separate people traveling in similar directions who didn't know each other well to start and didn't like each other much by the end. Marriage for me wasn't a place of safety or love, ever. That makes me sad, to think I will never know that feeling of partnership. I am becoming okay with that.
But, I am finding my way as a woman alone in the world. I am picking up the pieces and looking in the mirror and finding my way. I am not lonely or hopeless or sad these days. My life is full, sometimes too full, but happy. I marvel that God really did have a future full of hope planned for me. Today I am letting Him show me the way.