Monday, July 10, 2017

Salvage Yard, Salvation Yard

The more things change, the more they stay the same.  Isn't that how the saying goes? I am settling into new and old routines.  The new routines of answering to myself.  I am my own boss.  I don't have to anticipate someone else getting mad or getting even with me if they don't like my choices.  For a while I reacted like a rebellious teenager, doing all the things that would have gotten me in trouble before, not wrong thiings, just things that wouldn't have been approved of before. I was "out of control."

I have rebelled enough now.  I am considering how I want to live and not how someone else didn't want me to live.  I went back to weekday Mass the other day.  I hadn't been to Mass during the week for a couple of years and I really missed it.  I missed being with Jesus, receiving Jesus first thing in the morning.  It is what I do.  The way I live. I am not really the rebel type.

I am reflecting on the scraps and ruins of my life.  There are a lot of good things there too, but I am looking at the things I need to abandon and the the things I want to keep.  Marriage for me, wasn't what I dreamed of, wasn't at all a partnership, two separate people traveling in similar directions who didn't know each other well to start and didn't like each other much by the end.  Marriage for me wasn't a place of safety or love, ever. That makes me sad, to think I will never know that feeling of partnership. I am becoming okay with that.

But, I am finding my way as a woman alone in the world.  I am picking up the pieces and looking in the mirror and finding my way.  I am not lonely or hopeless or sad these days.  My life is full, sometimes too full, but happy.  I marvel that God really did have a future full of hope planned for me. Today I am letting Him show me the way.  

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