I have learned to appreciate that God doesn't make deals. I really have. Most of the deals I would make would have disastrous consequences. At least I think they might. And what do I have to bargain with? I have nothing that wasn't given by God and He would be who I was bargaining with. I have nothing.
So, when I lost that second baby it was really hard to take. I would have bargained anything to have had that baby. But, I had nothing. I was sad and rather lacking in hope. The thing I wanted was completely out of my reach. I didn't want anything extraordinary or unusual. People have babies all the time. Eventually, I came to accept that it was what it was. I had no control over my life. I needed to accept the good gifts I had received and not the ones I didn't. When reality is other than what I had pictured it takes time to adjust.
My friend L has ovarian cancer. It had already spread before they found it. It was all over the place. She had a rough go of it and a rough time in chemo the first go round. She was hoping and planning for remission. A good long remission. The average was 18 months, but she watched what she ate, she exercised, she received excellent care, so perhaps she might have expected a better than average remission. She didn't get it. She got 5 months, times two. And now the chemo really doesn't seem to be working.
And this is the thing, if God made deals, I would make one for my friend L. I want her to dance at her son's wedding in a few weeks, and cry in the church at the miracle of it when her daughter gets married next year. And grandchildren!
L hasn't given up and perhaps there is a miracle or two still in store for her, or perhaps not. Either way, eventually she will dance with Jesus and sometime we all will join her. I am glad God doesn't make deals, I can't imagine how much I would be willing to give up so that L could live. The take away from this for me is--we have one precious, holy, sacred life. Be grateful for the gifts we receive. Be very grateful. It is okay to want more. But, not okay to demand more, to need more. Trusting in God means to accept the good gifts that are offered.