I tend to write about the same things over and over again until I resolve them. I made an appointment to meet with the priest who will be representing me in my petition for nullity of my 37 year marriage. I am not a person who gives up easily, especially if giving up means admitting that I made a huge mistake. And that is all I want to say about that marriage today.
But, now, my life? It is not lonely or sad. My life is packed with friends and fun and peace and serenity. I found my joy. And occasionally I feel guilty about that. Does God want me to be happy? Is this divorce a great evil? Should I have just continued to suffer so that I could offer up the pain? It isn't as though there was an expectation that if I just kept working on it that the marriage would improve. I been did that, as my school kids would say.
Guilt over happiness. My spiritual director is firm with me that guilt over happiness is wrong. I have to trust her. But sometimes I still struggle with how good my life is these days. Oh, it isn't perfect. I still have my problems, but they no longer overwhelm me.
So, in light of the last post I was asking myself whether God wanted me happy, accepted me happy, rejoiced in my happiness and I had to compare God to my human father. My dad would rejoice to see me happy. My dad would celebrate with me. My dad wouldn't blame me or shame me for working toward a better life. I know that he wouldn't. And God loves me more than my dad did.
And I feel the flood of mercy and love and grace and forgiveness overwhelm me. God is good all the time. I can accept the happiness I have right now. It is more than okay. It is good.