Love, love, love......all you need is love.....love makes the world go round.....love your enemies and pray for those who would harm you......
I have struggled with the demands of love and the importance of boundaries through my life experiences. What is love? Does love permit boundaries? What is the difference in the demands of love and possession?
In darker moments I consider myself a failure at love. I tried to love someone by not seeking my own, by serving, by accepting what was offered, by not thinking about what was missing in my life. I didn't do it perfectly by any means, but that is what I tried to do. I have come to understand that the "I" referred to is ego, is self pride and self satisfaction. I prayed for help, but I thought I could do this love thing. I thought that was my vocation, to do the hard thing, to love someone who was hard to love.
There was a lot of talk in that relationship about him loving me. But, ultimately, I came to realize that the thing one has as a goal is the thing one treasures, one loves. I was possessed, owned, but money was the love. It is easy to say love, but not easy to do. It is impossible to give love, if one has not received it in the nurturing toward adulthood. I have come to understand that one can not give what one never had in the first place.
I still wonder at this, I wasn't really loved, I was possessed. And once possession was taken away, all the money that could possibly be gotten was extorted from me. I still wish him well, I really do. I pray for him to be in heaven someday. I love my enemy and pray for the one who would harm me.
I am a little sad that I will probably never experience spousal love, the love that encourages and builds up. I have experienced much other love in my life though. It feels good to be in the place I am now, not someone's possession, not shamed and blamed for every difficulty, for the hard parts of life.
The mercy and grace I feel now is more than enough, it is all I need. Love.