Thursday, December 15, 2016

Waiting, Waiting, Waiting

I have forgotten that feeling of wanting something to come so badly that you can taste it.  I can remember having the feeling but the feeling itself escapes me if that makes as sense.  For example, the last months of pregnancy when holding the baby seems so far away and so urgent; or being in 2nd grade and waiting for Christmas.  To me, that anticipation is what I try to recover, rediscover during Advent.

Mostly I am not terribly successful at feeling the anticipation.  These days I am here in the moment and await Christmas, sadly, with a little dread because there is so much work on that day. Being here in the moment is not a bad thing.  But, wonder and awe and hope for the future are sometimes in short supply.

I took my 95 year old mother to the doctor yesterday.  It was not convenient or fun.  Basically the doctor found that she is experiencing the normal aches and pains of old age.  My mom is not by anyone's definition a "sweet old lady."  She has opinions and criticisms and repeats herself a lot.  But, if I overlook the areas where we have conflict and change the subject when she is critical, we can have a good time together.  And so we did.

With my mom and with many things in my life these days, it is not the anticipation of the future that I am trying to savor.  Right now Mom is in a good place, but she is 95.  Every single holiday could be her last one.  And even if not her last one, as her memory declines, I lose pieces of her.

So, these days I want things to stay the same so badly I can taste it.  But, this is life and things will change.  Perhaps I have learned a thing or two about waiting.  Savor the moment, enjoy where I am, take things one day at a time. Wait in wonder and hope and awe in the moment, don't put too much stock in some imagined perfect future.

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