I am a person who has a medium circle of friends. I know people. I chat. But, only for a few am the go-to girl for friendship. By that I mean, a person you go to in order to express your fears and joys and hopes and troubles. I don't talk on the phone much, so that is one reason I am not available for those kinds of things. In my recent life talking on the phone was difficult and frustrating. Being honest about my situation was also nearly impossible. The past few years I have spent a lot of energy trying to control the anger of another. I didn't have the time and energy for friends.
My life is changed recently. I have freedom and joy. Somebody asked if I missed having a partner. A partner? I don't really know what having a partner is all about. A partner seems like he or she should be a person who wants good for you, who you enjoy being with, who shares with you and is honest, who thoroughly knows you. I have never had a partner in that way.
I am processing partnership. I am trying to see it realistically instead of with rose colored glasses. At this age and stage of life, I never expect to have a partner. I missed my chance. Do I miss having a partner? How can I miss something I never knew? I am enjoying singleness. That is where I am called to be these days. There is much, so much, I can do on my own.