As a child I knew Christ's friendship and love. Not every minute did I remember Him, but throughout my day I would pray--Help me, Thank You, Keep me safe, Keep my family safe and so on. I was a good girl and I generally followed rules and that was in part to stay in friendship with Jesus. I knew that I was fearfully and wonderfully made for some special purpose.
As I aged and I was bullied on the bus and experienced the usual disappointments of the teenage years I was less in contact with God. I developed a more formal relationship in some ways. I became more self reliant and less the little child trusting in God. But, I still prayed, still knew that I was made to do great or small things for God with my life.
As a young adult I was smart and capable. I didn't think I needed God always to be by my side. Effort, that is what it took, hard work, honesty, and grit. I found success in my career, nobody handed that to me, I worked for it. But, I still loved God and I think I still trusted Him.
Then in the adult years lots of hard and sad things weighed me down. I ran headlong into a marriage with a man I really didn't know and really didn't have much in common with and neither of us was easygoing. My dad passed away before I was thirty. I went through years of infertility only to have an ectopic pregnancy. And there was a cancer scare and surgery by an oncologist. And although I was sure I loved God and wanted to be happy in heaven with Him for eternity, life was hard and taking too long. When people talked of God's love, I knew that it must be there, but I didn't ever feel it.
I was depressed and anxious, lonely and frustrated. I went on a spiritual journey to find where God was in my life. I sought spiritual direction, went to confession, sought counseling, talked with trusted friends and family. Ultimately, I came to the realization that my life was drudgery, pain and suffering, and these sorrows were not a call from God to suffer. I told myself that God put me there, made me be there, but really, I am coming to recognize that my headlong self directedness brought me to the depression and my pride kept me there.
So, I have made changes. I am not proud of myself or the changes I made. It makes me ashamed to be a living example of a failed marriage. But, if I let my pride go, I have to say that I have rediscovered the God who never left me, who has always been with me. I feel God's love again and I rejoice with Him throughout my day in His many blessings. I have taken Jesus' hand and I walk with Him through the day. My life is a mystery and not what I had planned, not at all, but it is good.