Monday, October 17, 2016

Take My Hand

As a child I knew Christ's friendship and love.  Not every minute did I remember Him, but throughout my day I would pray--Help me, Thank You,  Keep me safe, Keep my family safe and so on.  I was a good girl and I generally followed rules and that was in part to stay in friendship with Jesus.  I knew that I was fearfully and wonderfully made for some special purpose.

As I aged and I was bullied on the bus and experienced the usual disappointments of the teenage years I was less in contact with God.  I developed a more formal relationship in some ways.  I became more self reliant and less the little child trusting in God.  But, I still prayed, still knew that I was made to do great or small things for God with my life.

As a young adult I was smart and capable.  I didn't think I needed God always to be by my side.  Effort, that is what it took, hard work, honesty, and grit.  I found success in my career, nobody handed that to me, I worked for it.  But, I still loved God and I think I still trusted Him.

Then in the adult years lots of hard and sad things weighed me down.  I ran headlong into a marriage with a man I really didn't know and really didn't have much in common with and neither of us was easygoing.  My dad passed away before I was thirty.  I went through years of infertility only to have an ectopic pregnancy. And there was a cancer scare and surgery by an oncologist.  And although I was sure I loved God and wanted to be happy in heaven with Him for eternity, life was hard and taking too long.  When people talked of God's love, I knew that it must be there, but I didn't ever feel it.

I was depressed and anxious, lonely and frustrated.  I went on a spiritual journey to find where God was in my life.  I sought spiritual direction, went to confession, sought counseling, talked with trusted friends and family.  Ultimately, I came to the realization that my life was drudgery, pain and suffering, and these sorrows were not a call from God to suffer.  I told myself that God put me there, made me be there, but really, I am coming to recognize that my headlong self directedness brought me to the depression and my pride kept me there.

So, I have made changes.  I am not proud of myself or the changes I made.  It makes me ashamed to be a living example of a failed marriage.  But, if I let my pride go, I have to say that I have rediscovered the God who never left me, who has always been with me.  I feel God's love again and I rejoice with Him throughout my day in His many blessings.  I have taken Jesus' hand and I walk with Him through the day.  My life is a mystery and not what I had planned, not at all, but it is good.

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