Friday, March 4, 2016

Bowing Out and Starting Over

I have been to Mass every Sunday since I left my house, but I haven't been back to my church home.  I do things with people from my church, but I don't go there for anything.  It hurts, it really does.  I miss my church and the people who go there.  I miss the choirs and the priests and the beautiful celebration of the Mass we had there.  I watched the building go up and I even wrote on a rock that is under the altar from when they were building it.  I raised money to build that church and I used to lector there.  It is hard.

But, I have many reasons for avoiding my church home and family.  One of them is the person I am separating from, but if that were the only reason I could avoid meeting that person.  The main reason is that I feel like I am scandal.  I will turn people's heads.  Some of them will judge me as I walk up to Communion.  Some people will avoid me and some will want to be overly friendly and know the scoop.  I can't tell them.  I would have to use the politest form of "It's none of your business."  I can't give my reasons because they involve talking about behavior of another church member.  I couldn't and wouldn't want to tell them the whole truth.  The story would get out there and be turned around and exaggerated and who knows what.  I could damage the other person in my attempt to defend myself.

And I am scandal, a bad example, a person who is leaving a marriage. Many people thought we were such a great couple, we appeared to be what we were not.  So, for the past few months I have been "praying around."  That is my term for visiting other churches.  It is fun in it's own way.  Sometimes I almost think, I should volunteer for that or sign up for this.  I haven't, I am not sure where I will end up when all is said and done.

I am looking forward to a fresh start, a new beginning.  I am looking forward to being part of a parish that just sees me as me and not as the baggage of things from the past.  For me, this is the best answer, what I need to feel whole and loved and part of the body of Christ.  But, I won't lie, it isn't easy.


Rebecca said...

Also a scandal and not able to attend my 'home' parish. It is a bittersweet thing, and quite frankly something that I struggle with beyond my own situation. It's a fine line between sharing everyone's business to explain why someone does or doesn't receive Eucharist to avoid scandal and gossip. I will be praying for you this weekend, that you soon find a new home or a way to be comfortable in your previous one.

Mary said...

For now I need to continue to pray around.