Lately I have not considered myself as a role model for anyone. I have not thought of the blog as an instrument of proclaiming the Gospel. (Although that is what I would choose to do with all of my life and strength.) This blog has become more of an outpouring of my feeling, thoughts and hopes. I am both serene and a swirl of emotions related to guilt and concern about the problems the path I am on presents for me.
While I would like to make you all understand the course I have chosen, been led to choose, I can't in good conscience do that. There are more things that go on behind closed doors than you might imagine, and perhaps it makes sense to keep those things private. It is not the business of the general public to try my case. There is another party and another point of view to be considerate of.
But, it is healing for me and perhaps instructive for someone else who might be in pain to share some of my guts with you. Overall, I am happier than I have been in years. I know and feel with certainty that God loves me. I used to hear that and even say that and wondered where the evidence was. It was empty talk to me, talk I believed, but God's love was some nebulous thing that I had to take on faith because I saw no evidence of it in my life that I could identify.
Probably chief among my issues was that I had learned to stuff my emotions and just endure the challenges and even the joys life presented. I did not live in a safe place where my emotions could be freely expressed. They hid. I hid with them. So, my guts have a lot of spilling to do, anger to feel, pain, joy, sadness, relief. It is okay to be me. And with the hope that I won't be ripping open wounds or hurting someone else, I plan to let go of some of my emotions, my hurt, my joy, my sorrow, and my hope on this blog in the days to come.