I have written a lot recently about the person God calls me to be. I am not sure who that person is. But, I feel that it was not the person I was for a long long time. I made a choice that did not provide me with happiness or joy. I worked to make that mistake turn into something that was correct and beautiful. I worked to make the best of it. I was proud of how hard I worked and eventually I was proud of how much I suffered. I nearly broke under the suffering, or perhaps I did break because I did become depressed enough to need medication.
But, there wasn't much of an authentic person in me. I acted a part to the best of my ability. I tried to work under the adage--fake it until you make it. I became an expert at faking it. I didn't feel humble, I felt humiliated. I came to feel that I was not good enough at anything. I came to feel that either God thought I deserved all the bad treatment I got, or else He really didn't care. Either view did not provide me with much faith or hope or love.
But with a great many people in my corner, I realized or came to realize that perhaps all the suffering was not what God called me to. There was hope and joy available to me. I am called to be fully human, working to bring about God's kingdom in this world. Sometimes, although it is hard to accept and understand, the thing that would make me whole is not the thing that other people would expect. Truth be told, not what I would have expected.
In this world there are troubles, and sorrows enough. God has called me to a new thing. Part of that call is not to be silent about it, not that I would advocate or recommend my actions to anyone else. Staying the course and doing what is expected and being a solid example are good things and I would recommend them. But, if I am being called to something else, then I need to share because there may be someone else in a sorrowful state who needs to know that God loves us and doesn't call us to suffer needlessly through another person's selfishness, or mental illnesses.
God calls me to dance with Him in this world, in joy and freedom and with love. God calls me to generously give back for the love I have received. I am not sure who that person is, the one God calls me to be. But I do know that God calls me to love.