I think somewhere along the line I picked up the deep seated impression that anger is wrong. Anger should be fought against and squelched. It was wrong to feel anger, or perhaps okay to be angry in the moment, but quickly pull it together and then try to understand the situation from the other person's perspective. I did learn to use anger to motivate me to try to change a situation. I would work to eliminate the source of anger by changing myself or the anger source. Ultimately, if those things weren't possible, I stuffed the anger deep down inside.
Anger turned inward becomes depression. That happened to me. The things that were wrong in my life took over a part of my brain and made me sad and hopeless. I fought depression for a long time, but when I met anti-depressants for the first time I found some happiness, some relief from the elephant sitting on my back. I was able to identify the sources of this over-riding anger that had taken over my life.
So, here I sit, trying to learn to express anger appropriately, trying to distance myself from bad treatment, trying to become the person God intends for me to be. I am trying to be free. I am trying to balance guilt and responsibility for someone else's trials with not being abused and used and lied about.
I don't have an answer. I have a lot of questions. How can I feel and express my anger so that it doesn't trap me? How can I move beyond the anger and focus on myself without guilt and depression? How can I learn to be me?