Friday, December 26, 2014

And it was Christmas

I forgot to take a single picture on Christmas Day.  The kids were over, son and his girlfriend, and I completely forgot.  But there is no do over.  Christmas 2014 will be missing from the scrapbook.  It was missing from my mind earlier this December.  I had no motivation to do anything for Christmas.  I had a strong feeling that I wouldn't even be alive to welcome 2015.

I overlay-ed my own health issues with the ones my dad had in 1982 when he walked into a hospital thinking perhaps he was having gallbladder problems and never walked out.  I also projected to the ectopic pregnancy in 1988 when things just kept getting worse and worse and worse.  I was pulled out of that hole I had dug for myself and went forward in some sort of faith, but if you scratched the surface of my belief, I didn't have much trust.  I had faith, but it was for other people.

I suppose that it isn't surprising that God used this health crisis to pull me back in hand.  I had surely prayed many times to be restored to faith and trust.  It just wasn't deep within me.  I always felt that if I got sick and relied on God, that would be it, a long painful scary death.  A quick death didn't scare me.  I hope in Heaven.  But, cancer scares me.  Surgery scares me.  Being helpless and relying on the people around me scares me.

This Christmas, I rejoice in the miracle.  I survived the surgery.  I don't have cancer.  God used this time to teach me that He was always there.  He gave me the strength to survive all the scary times and horrible things that I have already been through.  And He will be there through the ones to come.  I realize that I have been living my life in duck and cover mode, feeling scared and sorry for myself.  I don't have to do that.  Anymore!

Nothing I did prevented cancer or saved me in surgery or got me through most of recovery.  Nothing.  I was held in God's hand, just as I was through those other times.  I rejoice that God so loved the world that He gave His only Son.....I rejoice in His love and mercy.

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