I forgot to take a single picture on Christmas Day. The kids were over, son and his girlfriend, and I completely forgot. But there is no do over. Christmas 2014 will be missing from the scrapbook. It was missing from my mind earlier this December. I had no motivation to do anything for Christmas. I had a strong feeling that I wouldn't even be alive to welcome 2015.
I overlay-ed my own health issues with the ones my dad had in 1982 when he walked into a hospital thinking perhaps he was having gallbladder problems and never walked out. I also projected to the ectopic pregnancy in 1988 when things just kept getting worse and worse and worse. I was pulled out of that hole I had dug for myself and went forward in some sort of faith, but if you scratched the surface of my belief, I didn't have much trust. I had faith, but it was for other people.
I suppose that it isn't surprising that God used this health crisis to pull me back in hand. I had surely prayed many times to be restored to faith and trust. It just wasn't deep within me. I always felt that if I got sick and relied on God, that would be it, a long painful scary death. A quick death didn't scare me. I hope in Heaven. But, cancer scares me. Surgery scares me. Being helpless and relying on the people around me scares me.
This Christmas, I rejoice in the miracle. I survived the surgery. I don't have cancer. God used this time to teach me that He was always there. He gave me the strength to survive all the scary times and horrible things that I have already been through. And He will be there through the ones to come. I realize that I have been living my life in duck and cover mode, feeling scared and sorry for myself. I don't have to do that. Anymore!
Nothing I did prevented cancer or saved me in surgery or got me through most of recovery. Nothing. I was held in God's hand, just as I was through those other times. I rejoice that God so loved the world that He gave His only Son.....I rejoice in His love and mercy.