Nobody should ever have to hear their dead baby called "just tissue." Nobody should ever be called crazy because they mourned a baby who wasn't born yet. Nobody should ever be told that it was "just as well." Or should be told what someone else thinks was God's plan in the tragedy. Nobody should ever be told--"at least it wasn't....." as though if didn't matter as much as some other tragedy.
A loss in pregnancy is very different for every person. It is not up to the bystander to make the person who has experienced this tragedy own up to their pain. But, it doesn't make it better to minimize it either. "I'm sorry," is a good thing to say. "I will pray for you," is another. Holding the person and letting them cry, being a safe place to express the pain and anger and grief is fine.
The best things I ever heard in that situation were from a friend, "Would you like to hold my baby?" and "Would you like to talk about it?" Some people with babies I guess felt as though holding or seeing their babies would make me feel bad. But, when the arms feel empty, sometimes holding a baby is just what I needed. The people who "protected" me from their babies made me feel like I was poison. Some people don't know how to handle facing someone who has had a loss and so they avoid or evade the person as though they were a contagious. I believe it is okay to say, "I don't know what to say, is there anything I can do?"
I am a long way off from the baby I lost oh so many years ago, but the feelings are fresh after the doctor's visit last week. As I go through the process of revisiting that situation, mainly to forgive people I didn't realize needed my forgiveness and thus free myself from all the anger I have carried around all of these years, I thought it was worth sharing here some of my feelings because lots and lots of women lose babies every year and most of us carry around that pain for most of our lives. There is hardly anyone to talk to about it. The emotions just get shoved down and covered up. Bringing the emotions up and out is healing. I am ready to be healed.