I am not much of a house cleaner. I am messy and disorganized. I easily get distracted and rarely finish a job I start. When I have expanses of time I waste them by turning on the television and/or working on a creative project. I start sorting things and can't figure out what to keep and what to donate and what to pitch. I can get way off task looking at something I haven't seen in a while. I hate to get rid of something that might be useful or looks neat or brings back a memory. I have judged and screamed at myself about this weakness within me time and time again. I feel worthless. I have been criticized and judged by other people for this also.
I make resolutions to change. I have tried Fly Lady. I really don't think that cleaning my sink is my main problem. I make a little headway here and there. Then I don't. I get depressed about it all. This is especially true in summer when I also get lonely. It is a bad mixture. A toxic brew within my mind.
But, as I sit here and chew on myself for the way I am, I think, I have seen worse. Nobody ever comes to our house, so it isn't even as though I am very embarrassed about it most of the time. I need to keep plugging along at it. I find when I can be more tolerant of myself and accept my limitations I actually do a better job. When I get the monkey off my back, I feel better and do better.
I sat in prayer about this problem a while back. God whispered some solutions to me. One is that I long to do a little decorating, to personalized the house beyond the 20 plus year old sofa and lamps I have owned for 40 years. I am working on a plan to do a little bit of decorating. That will help me to feel better and to clear some things out. Another whisper was about my desire to expand my potential to make friends. I have a feeling that I could find a woman or two in my circle who would love to come over and give me some decorating advice. That is opening a door. It is not pouring out the problems of my heart or boring them with stories from my life, it is focusing on something outside of myself and getting help. The last thing that I heard in my prayer was that I am God's beloved daughter. I am His delight. Anybody who isn't treating me as the unique and special person who I am does not deserve a voice in my life.
So, I am getting cracking on this decorating plan and planning to ask "the girls" over for a little cake and advice. And I am dancing as I clean this house. Dancing.